I forgot to buy a present for my daughters friend. Her mom isn’t happy. explained that I’m going through a divorce and court dates, etc. I’m overwhelmed…and only human. Besides - what are we teaching our children? If my daughter asks where is her gift from so and so I’d remind her that they are her friend and they came to her party. That is the gift. I was taught to appreciate every gesture and to not only be concerned with gifts…
So now I feel bad. Add that onto the evergrowing list of things I suck at. There’s nothing I can do now except give the late gift. offer more apologies and hope the mom gets over it. And if not…well. Too bad for her.
God hates divorce, this is a phrase most Christians are familiar with.
God tells his people that he only allowed it because of the hardness of their hearts. With that in mind, for the first time I’ve considered the consequences of my choice, does God approve? Although God does not approve of…
This probably isn’t the kind of thing you’re supposed to talk about on the internet. When you post publicly about what your vagina is up to at least twice a week, though, you sort of lose your bearings when it comes to this shit.
Tomorrow will mark a month since my partner and I separated. An…
This morning in NYC it was foggy. I love when it’s foggy out. It lends a dreamlike soft feel to everything. A mundane walk to drop my daughter off at school becomes a fantastical adventure complete with monsters (Garbage Trucks) and Fairies (Traffic Lights).
It started me wondering about my own dreamlike state in my life and in my relationship. Things are not very clear. Nothing is settled. Everything is somewhat…unclear. Some things look closer than they are - Nothing feels concrete. I know what I’m looking for - but cannot quite see it. Progress seems fuzzy. And I barely can see what direction I’m headed in.
Everything is dreamy - until you can’t see straight. Then you panic. I need the fog to lift……
“Watch your thoughts, for they become your words. Watch your words, for they become your actions. Watch your actions, for they become your character. Watch your character, for it becomes your destiny.”—(via elsambo)
“I love to smoke
smoking a cigarette is like
when I hit rock bottom
it’s all I have.
light up, smoke up, shut the fuck up.
It hides the shit.
The smoke hides
There’s menthol and vanilla.
some people like em.
cigarettes clearly keep me from going crazy.
Keeps me alive.
it Keeps me alive
until I die.”—From “heartbeats” a French independent film about heartbreak
There is not one day that goes by where you are not on my mind.
I adore you.
I think what’s hardest of all of this is not the betrayal in itself - that hurts like a bitch though. It’s the loss of all that is good in my life. All those late nights watching dumb movies. Cuddling. Kissing. Loving. I miss you. I miss our plans. I miss the picking out the next apartment building. I want to hold your hand as we walk in the park. I want to kiss your face. You know - right to the side of your nose as I like to do. I want to rub your belly when you’ve had too much to eat. And rub your feet while you tell me about your day.
I want to make plans with you. And have more of your babies.
When you said to me that we can try to make it work - I wanted to say “yes please let’s!”
But. It’s not quite what you want. Maybe a bit. But I don’t want it to be forced upon you. So that you can resent me later. Or so that you will be texting her telling her you miss her instead. I don’t need you to ride in on a white horse(although it would be nice). I can rescue myself. I want you to want this more than you don’t want it. at least…51% We can work on the rest.
The fact that you’ve had dreams of me is HUGE - you never dream. You spoke of signs - there they are. But the difference is that it’s not what you want. Your actions speak loud and clear.
I was watching “When a Man loves a Woman”. Their problem wasn’t her alcoholism. It was the lack of communication. Andy Garcia (Me) was happy. As long as he could fix everything - all was well. The money, the house - even his wife. To the point where he ignored her pain. Meg Ryan (you) admits it was fun at first - him fixing everything. Him fixing her. But eventually the fun runs out and she’s left feeling empty…and like a constant fuckup that he has to step in and fix. She feels unacknowledged and her needs aren’t being met. They have some time apart. He’s miserable. She finds the space she needs and then she rescues him.
I see us all in this movie. I fix things. You need money for kicks? Need help finding a job? Here I am! To the fucking rescue. Goddamn superhero. When have I asked you to solve your own problems without me stepping in? It must get tiring. Feeling like a fuckup. I know on some level you do. When I found out - I think part of your reaction was a desperation to get away from being this fuckup. You knew that you had fucked up and I know you resented that. Me. Yourself.
But like Meg Ryan, instead of talking about what you needed, demanding what you wanted - you turned to outside distractions to escape. You tried to deal with it on your own because (to you) I was so perfect and so loving - how could you reasonably find fault with that? You must have talked yourself out of your own thoughts a million times. But you can’t solve OUR problems on your own.
I cannot rescue you from this. I can barely rescue me from this. Our love is epic. With your love - I could move mountains. Heaven nor Hell hath power o’er me like you do. I am unashamed to admit that. I know now. Destiny is playing it self out. Like Dean & Sam. Michael & Lucifer. Xavier & Magneto. Romeo & Juliet. Jesus & Judas. Caesar & Brutus.
A song of Fire & Ice.
You are unmoveable. An iceberg in the middle of the Atlantic. Stubborn. Stout. Cold.
My desire for you burns me. Scorches me. Scorches others. Burns brighter than the sun.
“You have killed my love. You used to stir my imagination. Now you don’t even stir my curiosity. You simply produce no effect. I loved you because you were marvellous, because you had genius and intellect, because you realised the dreams of great poets and gave shape and substance to the shadows of art. You have thrown it all away. You are shallow and stupid.”—Oscar Wilde, the picture of Dorian Gray (via thedisparate)
I don’t like you But I love you Seems that I’m always Thinking of you Oh, oh, oh, You treat me badly I love you madly You’ve really got a hold on me (You really got a hold on me) You really got a hold on me (You really got a hold on me)
Baby, I don’t want you But I need you Don’t want to kiss you But I need to Oh, oh, oh You do me wrong now My love is strong now You’ve really got a hold on me (You really got a hold on me) You really got a hold on me (You really got a hold on me)
Baby, I love you and all I want you to do Is just hold me (please), hold me (squeeze), hold me, hold me
I want to leave you Don’t want to stay here Don’t want to spend Another day here Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh You do me wrong now My love is strong now You’ve really got a hold on me (You really got a hold on me) You really got a hold on me (You really got a hold on me)
I love you and all I want you to do Is just hold me, hold me, hold me, hold me
Hold me Hold me Hold me Hold me Hold me Hold me Hold me Hold me Hold me Hold me Hold me
My tears flow so easily these days. Like a river nothing can get in the way…of me crying. But I no longer fight back the tears I let them come freely. Fall down my face. I follow them to that sad place and then I lift myself back up. Get my head together. I’m alright. One foot in front of the other. Progress is slow but there is progress. I can SEE it!!! I can FEEL it. God help me…I AM it
I love him. So so much. I know he cares about me. Just not in love with me anymore. But I wish - God I WISH he would want to work it out. But he won’t. He’s happy. I’m not. I want our life again. I saw a family on the train with their bags - on their way on a trip. It hurt. I started to cry. I want that back. I love him. I loved us. But he doesn’t love me. Not in that way. And that way is all I want. I want to fight for us - so much. But how do I fight this? There is no way. He lives a 1000 miles away…with another woman. They’re in it “forever” and I’m broken. We’re broken. Our daughter is broken. And he won’t stay. He will not stay. How do I heal my heart? How can I heal my baby’s heart? God please heal me. Please.